Reborn

Today is the day i almost lose what i truly love in my life. And i'm shattered in pieces. That moment makes me realize that i really have to change myself into the independent-crazy-and-spontaneous-girl i used to be. I can't handle the pain anymore, the effort of keeping my eyes dry, the heavy thing that stuck in my chest every time i hold my tears. It's not that i'm not happy. I am sooo happy that that happiness is slowly killing me. Making yourself attach to someone is one of ways to weaken yourself, to make you vulnerable, to make you insecure. Of course there are times when the world feels like heaven, that your life couldn't be any happier. But remember that there is the time when you nearly or even lose them, you'll suddenly be shattered, you'll explode, you feel so weak, you feel like nothing but a collection of dust in the form of human. And that time is what i'm sick of. It's like i lose myself, i can't recognize myself, because it's exactly not me.

I was slapped by today's incident that i should wake up, that i have to change myself to that strong girl i know for a long time. I don't want to be controlled by the situation, i want to control the situation. Then in order to do that, i have to change myself, making my heart unbeatable in any condition. Try to give some respect to me and remind me that i can pleased myself, or in less delicate words, i can live without you. I have to stop being so dependent on someone. I can't let myself attach to anybody too far anymore. But it doesn't mean that i don't love him so much anymore, i still love him but this time i draw a tiny line where i should stand. Maybe it's like "okay, let's have fun, i love you, and you love me, let's love each other, keep me flattered and i'll do good to you, make me happy and i'll give my best to you, but no no no, you can't break my heart, cause this is a game of two people loving each other, not breaking each other".

The other reason why women really should be independent and not letting herself too attach to anybody (or you could say me) is men don't like be bothered too much. So little ignorance should be fine, i guess. They like slutty women, who give them love and shut up. No more than that.

Well, i'm still confuse with my own theory, but let's give it a try. Let's see how far it works. In a couple of days, i will be starting a project to honor the reborn of me. I think i'll name it "Respect Myself". Who's gonna respect you if yourself don't want to respect itself? It's a celebration of a freedom soul.

A Love Letter: Can I be your Friend?

Dearest my love,

It has been 5 years since we said "I love you" to each other. I can recall every moment we shared since the first time we met. The warmth look we had delicately shared. Your books you always accidentally left at my house so you can come over again without no one noticed it as a date. A gently whisper you slipped through my right ear every time i felt scared. You will be fine, I am always here, you whispered. The day you impressed me with how splendid you play your guitar at the music store. The trembling voice when i said "I love you too". They are all still vivid in my mind. I enjoy every second with you and you seem happy too. Yes, I am certainly sure, because you never smile that big, or your eyes spark that bright, in front of anyone but me. You told me so many stories you never spoke of before. And i always have the gladness of keeping someone's little secrets. It's a privilege for me. I suddenly feel special every time you did that. Well, that's your speciality, i guess, to make me feel special.

I'm afraid that being special is not all i want after all. Of course that genuine happiness and romance feeling in one time is every girls' dream including me. But that's not the whole aim in being in relationship. Sometimes i need to get rid of it. It's weird, isn't it? Let me tell you why you need to pause that romantic part of you in a proper time. The reason is i want to get crazy with you, love. I desperately want to go somewhere we don't plan out, say whatsoever we want, do anything that we absolutely will avoid in normal days. Just exactly like you do with your regular friends. You know, it has been truly beautiful of what we had done in these past 5 years, but i merely need a lemon in my sip of tea. My jealousy to your friends is inevitably high. It's getting worse when i keep thinking of "Can I be your friend instead of your love?". That gave me an uncanny sadness and confusion that what i want is at the same time what i least want in this universe.

Perhaps we need to re-describe what's the meaning of love. It's not a total sweetness. Love is a bitter and sweet. It's sugar and lemon. Perhaps you need to re-interpret what's a girlfriend means to you. Please stop making bold lines between a girlfriend and a friend. That what you do to your friends is not allowed to do to your girlfriend. That's unfair, don't you think? You may think i feel special because of it, yeah sometimes, but i don't want that forever, i'm your friend too, then treat me normally how you treat your friends.

Well, to be clearly, i'm still as happy as i was. I'm not mad. And of course I still love you berry much ---yes, it's berry, more than very. I just want our relationship to be balance. And us to be happily ever after. 

I love you.

Sincerely,

Yours