Reborn

Today is the day i almost lose what i truly love in my life. And i'm shattered in pieces. That moment makes me realize that i really have to change myself into the independent-crazy-and-spontaneous-girl i used to be. I can't handle the pain anymore, the effort of keeping my eyes dry, the heavy thing that stuck in my chest every time i hold my tears. It's not that i'm not happy. I am sooo happy that that happiness is slowly killing me. Making yourself attach to someone is one of ways to weaken yourself, to make you vulnerable, to make you insecure. Of course there are times when the world feels like heaven, that your life couldn't be any happier. But remember that there is the time when you nearly or even lose them, you'll suddenly be shattered, you'll explode, you feel so weak, you feel like nothing but a collection of dust in the form of human. And that time is what i'm sick of. It's like i lose myself, i can't recognize myself, because it's exactly not me.

I was slapped by today's incident that i should wake up, that i have to change myself to that strong girl i know for a long time. I don't want to be controlled by the situation, i want to control the situation. Then in order to do that, i have to change myself, making my heart unbeatable in any condition. Try to give some respect to me and remind me that i can pleased myself, or in less delicate words, i can live without you. I have to stop being so dependent on someone. I can't let myself attach to anybody too far anymore. But it doesn't mean that i don't love him so much anymore, i still love him but this time i draw a tiny line where i should stand. Maybe it's like "okay, let's have fun, i love you, and you love me, let's love each other, keep me flattered and i'll do good to you, make me happy and i'll give my best to you, but no no no, you can't break my heart, cause this is a game of two people loving each other, not breaking each other".

The other reason why women really should be independent and not letting herself too attach to anybody (or you could say me) is men don't like be bothered too much. So little ignorance should be fine, i guess. They like slutty women, who give them love and shut up. No more than that.

Well, i'm still confuse with my own theory, but let's give it a try. Let's see how far it works. In a couple of days, i will be starting a project to honor the reborn of me. I think i'll name it "Respect Myself". Who's gonna respect you if yourself don't want to respect itself? It's a celebration of a freedom soul.